Push You Away to Pull You In
by Can'tStopImagining
Summary: She doesn't know why she says it, but she does, and Lorna's leaving. Lorna/Nicky.


A/N: I had this in my drafts before I wrote Temper, Temper, and I guess posting that gave me the confidence to finish this one too. Inspired by a conversation my girlfriend and I had about dresses. 

* * *

"Whadya think Nichols? The red one with the dots is real cute... has pockets too, and that peter collar... But I do like the pie print... or the mustard yellow? I dunno if I could pull off yellow though, I'm awful pale- Nicky?"

Opening one eye, Nicky glanced across at her, "what? Oh, yeah, yeah... go with the pie. Pie's good. I like pie."

She had put up with Lorna rambling endlessly about dresses for at least an hour, and much as she enjoyed the girl's company, there was only so much one person could take. Nicky had reached her limit about thirty minutes ago. Even lying down on her bunk with her eyes shut hadn't deterred Lorna, though, and she was continuing to flip through pages of a magazine, her focus entirely on the dresses. Maybe it wasn't just that fashion and Nicky Nichols didn't go exactly hand-in-hand; maybe she was feeling just a little bit attention-starved. Not that she'd _ever_ admit to it.

"You don't think it's too housewifey? I don't wanna give the wrong impression. I mean, we haven't discussed kids or... I really liked this mint green but I was gonna wear it with these sandals and they're out of stock now. Just my luck right?"

Closing her eyes again, Nicky nodded, letting out a half-hearted "mmmhmm".

"This is a serious decision Nicky and you ain't even listening let alone looking," Lorna whined, finally looking away from her magazines to glare across the room at her.

Sighing, Nicky hauled herself up from her bed, swinging her legs over the side and tiredly rubbing her eyes.

"Listen kid, it doesn't matter what dress you pick out. You're not gonna be getting it. By the time you get out of this place, it'll be two seasons ago. That's if that magazine is even in date now," she sighed again, rubbing her hand through her mane of tangled hair, "I'm sick of this bullshit with you every day."

"Nicky..."

She could feel the headache that had been lurking behind her eyes for the last forty minutes begin to build and let her hands drop to her lap, staring Lorna out. Her ruby red lips were in a pout and her eyes were glistening. Nicky quickly looked away.

"No, Morello, I swear to god you've got more and more boring since I stopped fucking you."

"Right," Lorna squeaked, her voice several pitches higher than usual, "if that's how ya feel then I'll make myself scarce. I'm sure I can find someone else willin' to spend some time with me."

Immediately regretting her choice of words, Nicky grabbed hold of Lorna's wrist before she exited the cube, "naw, Lorna, I didn't mean-"

"It was perfectly clear what you meant," she retorted, turning to look at her, her face a little too close. She tugged her wrist out of Nicky's grip, "I thought we were friends."

"We... we are... y'know how I get sometimes..."

"Whatever Nichols. See you later."

And with that, she was gone. Nicky lay back on her bunk and slammed her hands over her eyes. What the fuck did she have to go and say that for? 

* * *

The following day, Nicky wound up behind Lorna in the breakfast queue. Unusually, none of their 'family' were around yet. There was an awkward silence that always settled over them when they had an argument, only made worse when Nicky's hand accidentally brushed Lorna's as she collected her tray. Without a word, she followed her friend over to a table and sat down. Lorna started picking at her food without even looking up at Nicky, her cheeks a little pinker than usual, her eyes a little more cold.

Nicky cleared her throat. Nothing.

"Aw come on, Morello, how long ya gonna keep this up for?"

Shoveling some scrambled egg into her mouth, Lorna took pleasure in watching Nicky wait for an answer. Once she'd finished her mouthful, she turned her attention to her sausages, slicing them carefully so that they took all her focus, "I thought I was boring. That it was awful dire for you to have to hang around me."

"I never said that-"

Lorna looked up, glaring, "you didn't have to."

They returned to eating in silence. Nicky had lost most of her appetite, but forced down some sausages and bacon, and a cup of fruit juice. She watched Lorna finish her last bite, and just as she was about to get up, Nicky stopped her.

"The red one. You should get the red one. With the dots? You'd look great in red y'know. A good style on you too..." she hoped to sound sincere, but if anything, she just sounded awkward.

Lorna's eyes softened, a tiny smile tugging at the corners of her lips, but she didn't say anything, merely continuing to take her tray away, leaving Nicky to finish her food alone.

"You'd look beautiful in any of them though," she said quietly, shaking her head to herself.

* * *

"Come on ma, you sneak just about _anythin' _in. What's a couple more things?"

Red, who was busy chopping vegetables for lunch, barely glanced at her daughter, her usual stern expression etched onto her face, "I already told you no."

"Please. It's for Lorna."

Looking up momentarily, she rolled her eyes, "isn't it always?"

Nicky, swinging her legs around on the counter she was currently sat on, frowned. Lorna hadn't been talking to her properly in two days. Truth be told, she missed the heck out of her, and if she didn't find some way to apologise properly, she was scared she'd fucked things up forever. _Just typical,_ she thought, _you finally find people who genuinely like you, and you push them all away._

"What have you done?" Red said, putting the knife down on the chopping board.

"Whadya mean?"

The older woman shook her head, her lips turning up into a smirk, "oh, my daughter, with you it is always something you have done. Lorna means a lot to you, yes?"

Feeling uncomfortable – like a kid trying to talk to their mom about a crush at school, or their first time having sex – Nicky quickly looked away, twisting her face into the usual expression she got when being told off or embarrassed. She heard Red chuckle beside her, wiping her hands on a cloth, and that just made her more indignant.

"Sure. She means a lot to me. Let's not get all sentimental about it though, yeah?"

Red nodded, "when she arrived here, I sorted out her driving privileges, no? I welcomed her into our family because you asked me to. And she has a good head on her shoulders _most of the time. _A nice way about her," she paused, tilting Nicky's face up to look at her, "I know you're fond of her. Everyone knows you are. You're not like that around anyone else."

"Ma-"

"No, let me finish. If you want the magazines, I will get them. But don't you think that you should just _tell_ her how you feel?"

Nicky rolled her eyes, "yeah right. And get between her and her precious Christopher? I don't think so."

Returning to her cooking, Red smiled slightly, "very well. You will have the magazines. But Nicky?"

"Yeah?"

"Be careful."

Frowning, Nicky tried to figure out what she meant. It was a couple of fashion magazines. They weren't available inside, but they weren't contraband. What did she need to be careful about? Paper-cuts?

"Whatever you say, Ma," she said, bouncing off the counter and pressing a kiss to Red's cheek as she made her way back to her cube.

* * *

A few days later, Nicky was relaxing listening to her stereo in her cube, eyes closed, arms behind her head, when she felt someone gently poke her in the shoulder. Opening her eyes, she quickly pulled her headphones out and greeted the visitor with as big a smile as she could muster, feeling unexpectedly nervous.

"Morello," she greeted, shifting to sit up.

Then she noticed the items in Lorna's arms, and she couldn't help but smile a little wider. There was a sparkle in the girl's eyes that hadn't been there all week.

"Did you do this for me?" she said softly, holding out the bundle of magazines, along with the larger item.

Nicky Nichols didn't blush, but if she did, she probably would have blushed. Nonetheless, she felt sufficiently awkward as she tilted her head to one side and nodded, fighting the urge to ruin the moment with a witty come-back.

"Sure, I wanted to, y'know, say sorry."

"Oh, Nicky," Lorna said, throwing her arms around her and squeezing her tight.

If Nicky didn't feel awkward before, she certainly did now. She raised her hands to pat Lorna's back, unintentionally taking in the smell of her hair, the feeling of her skin so close to hers. They hadn't touched for so intimately since they'd stopped sleeping together, months ago. She tried to catalogue the feel of her against her, so she could remember it later.

"I love it," Lorna finally said, holding out the collage Nicky had left along with the magazines. It was a mood board of dresses and shoes – both ripped from magazines, and a few that Nicky had copied from one of the fashion books in the library – and slogans torn from an old copy of Cosmo, glued onto a large piece of card. It was inspired by the Christmas gift she'd never given her.

"I thought it might brighten your bunk, y'know?" Nicky told her, her voice sounding rougher than usual.

"It's so thoughtful, honestly."

"Well... I was a dick so..."

Shaking her head, Lorna looked up at her from beneath heavy lashes, a shy smile on her face, "no... I mean... yeah you kinda were," she laughed, biting her lip, "but I was a dick too. Promise to calm the whole wedding-and-honeymoon thing down a bit? I mean it, the second you're tired of me, you just say the word and I'll change subject."

"Kid, I could never be tired of you," Nicky whispered, as Lorna pulled her in for a second hug.

Oh, she was in deep.


End file.
